I think it would be better if you just left...yes that's right you. I mean, thing's just aren't working out, ya'know? We gave it a try, but we just aren't right for each other, so, well....beat it, I'm busy.
I tried to cancel a credit card today, it was like trying to remove one of your own teeth with a spoon. They didn't believe me at first then they refused and then finally they got really mad at me. I just kept laughing, thinking how ridiculous is was. They asked me why I wanted to cancel, and I said "I don't have to tell you shit" and then they said "If you don't tell us I can't cancel the account" so I said "Because your I slept with your girlfriend" and they got really mad. I finally made the point that their interest rate is now at 19.5%. They offered a super low rate, that I alone, as a highly regarded and special customer, am eligible for.....16.5%. I laughed so hard I almost cried. "That's funny," I said, "because the last statement I received from you didn't mention how you felt about me, it just mentioned that the rate was increasing."
"Well," They said, "You have never been late in paying, so why do you care?" So I told them that if I am never late, why not set my interest rate at 1%. They couldn't do that, they told me, it wouldn't be fair to their other customers. "I won't tell" I said. "Let me put you through to special services..." they said. "okay" I said, "Will they cancel my account?"
"No, but they'll be able to talk about your interest rate."
"Will they reduce it to 1%?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then why would I want to talk to them?"
"Because only they have the authority to change interest rates"
"Then why am I talking to you?"
"Because I answered the call."
"Your girlfriend gives good head."
"Fuck you." Click.
"Hello, this is special services, Mr. Smith why do you want to cancel your credit card?"
"Because my wife left me."
"Well, Mr. Smith we at TD Canada Trust respect your privacy and we too have experienced the hurt and pain of a family break-up, that's why we are currently offering the TD Canada Trust broken home credit card with a new introductory rate of 15%."
"Is this a joke?" I said.
"Mr. Smith here at TD Canada Trust, we don't make jokes, we just give those people that are unemployed and unable to pay their bills the opportunity to purchase credit at reasonable rate not considered usury under any current law."
"Can I go to jail for not paying you?"
"No, Mr. Smith, here at TD Canada Trust we believe that a lifetime of indentured servitude is punishment enough for our more temporally challenged customers."
"Can you raise my credit to $50, 000?"
"Yes of course, Mr. Smith, in fact you have been pre-approved for a credit limit of $100 000, with a interest rate of 22.5 %?"
"aren't I a special customer anymore?"
"Of course Mr. Smith, but here at TD Canada Trust we believe that you need the extra help of a higher interest rate in order to better understand the value of our money."
"Can you cancel my credit card?"
"Please don't take that tone with me, Mr. Smith."
"Mr. Smithwe have dispatched the police to your house, I suggest you lie face down with your hands behind you back....Nobody, but Nobody fucks with US!"
"Okay, I'll talk the 15 %."
"Thank you Mr. O'Sullivan, have a nice day."